Bleeding Poison

In high school, English was my favorite subject. Not to toot my own horn but i was pretty damn good at it too. I carried the dream of writing a book up until I walked the stage. Everybody knew I was good. You should've seen me, how naive i was try to carry those same ideologies to college. Its almost comical. Theres no nice way to admit defeat, especially to yourself but college English classes made me. They say that you have to learn the rules before you break them and I cant help feeling that that is what i wasted the last 4 years of my life doing. (The key word there is WASTE). Finding out that I was wrong about so much and did a lot of things wrong as a writer. Its almost crippling when your one of those people who think so highly of the pin and your ability to use it.

Looking back over my diagnostic essay, I'm almost relieved to say I'm thankful for a remedy. I say almost because in my short 20 years of life,  I have found knowledge to be both liberation and a burden. Its almost like seeing a ghost in my diagnostic essay with the biggest problem being the way I write being completely different yet exactly the same as the way I talk. I now see the problem with how English class has "europeanized" the way things should be written and said. Not only is my writing corrupted with invisible narratives society has poisoned me with but so is my speech. At this point in my life I can say that I only use Ebonics in few settings and I talk like I do mostly because of my mother (who is also a brainwashed but educated college student).

 For real though I don't be talkin' like this all dat time but its like, it feel like society be tryna basically put you in literary enslavement and take away your voice and whatever, you know? Dis is jus the way I talk and society be tryna make it seem like dis is hella inappropriate or dat if people sound like dis then they aint educated. When the truth is that when you rob someone of their discourse, you rob them of their voice and culture in order to make it conform to your standards. I can even see it as I'm typing. You all reading this can not see it but all the words not spelled up to European standards have a squiggly red line underneath it.

Thats just the beginning of the story of how I am beginning to bleed poison. I see invisible narratives in my writing for this year with how I view racial and sexist discrimination. I see it where I more often then not let the male dominate. I look at how I continue to be marginalized in different forms of writing and it never bothered me until now because I never recognized it. This is where my knowledge becomes a burden. With all of what I know, what can I do now. Whatever I do I feel that I can not do alone but I am one of few people I know in college. I shit you not, nobody knows what i know. Ultimately making me feel alone in the long fight to attempt to change our society.

I know the saying goes that in order to change the world we have to first change ourselves but can i get me homies to help a sister out and come together one time for change. You feel me?